Confusion

Picture me, sitting at my desk, trying to put words to the mess that's in my head right now so that I can figure it out, but I can't find them.

Picture me, inside my head. Looking down the length of my spine towards where my heart should be (anatomically speaking, but we're not), and there we see a mass of color, of light, dancing and writhing and leaping and sobbing in conflicting states.

Picture me, within that mass of color, looking for clarity and getting blinded. So much color! So much light! So many potential joys and sorrows and questions without answers that can barely be thought let alone asked - and where to turn?

All I have to do is reach out. One hand of each through the mess of emotion and catch hold and lend the clarity of the outside to the emotion of the inside and blend -

so simple, put into words I cannot find.




not a poem. just words.

sometimes

I write these posts and I think to myself 'wow, that's awesome!' and then 10 minutes later, I feel like a pompous fool. So bring your salt.

What if...

Time/space/the universe operates in a purely circular fashion? (I think I just mean time... but by extension the universe and space)
I was talking to Nea yesterday, and she was talking about her philosophy class in which her professor proved the existence of God - I can't remember the exact series of conclusions, but basically it was that because there is a beginning and an end, there must be a God which exists beyond our realm of understanding and thus has no beginning and no end - and there was also something about either God is necessary, or God is impossible, and because God is not impossible, God must be necessary - therefore God exists. (This all seems rather backwards and not exactly ok, but I won't go into that here)
Basically, the interesting thing is that this conversation made me think about all of the premises that nea's professor was using to prove that God exists - namely, that the universe has a beginning and and end. I'm not espousing this theory that I've come up with, it's just a thought that I wanted to put down on paper. Err. Yeah, you get it.
So! Here we go: what if the universe doesn't have a beginning or an end? What if time is circular? What then? We're making all of these assumptions about the universe that may or may not be true. There may not be an actual 'beginning' or 'end' of things. How this was manifest itself in the way that we perceive the world, I have no idea (so don't ask me!), but really. What if? Don't say that it's impossible yet -
It's kind of like thinking about light - nothing moves faster than light! Doesn't that sound like a ridiculous statement? How can nothing move faster than light? But nothing does. This is a set law about our universe that we've come to appreciate and accept. So what if the 'that's just the way things are' sort of thing applies to this too? So it doesn't fit into our understanding of time - but who's to say that it has to?
I don't know. I should think about this more.

kNow-ledge

I was sitting on the science center lawn today, not thinking about anything - just enjoying the warmth of the sun (especially after the frigidity of my geos classroom) and the comfort of the grass, when I saw a feather on the ground next to me. I reached out and picked it up, and because I wasn't thinking of anything, I just looked at it. And looked.
And realized that I didn't know anything about feathers, and hardly anything about birds. Oh, sure, I can name some of them based on markings, I know the movement of the wings in flight (not merely up and down, but rather in a wave shape), I know what some of them eat, and where some of them live, and how some of them make nests... but this all suddenly seemed very trivial compared to the single feather I had in front of me that was so secretive in my hands. What holds the individual parts of the feather together? What happens when the feather gets shredded through use? What kind of bird did this feather belong to, and how did it lose it?
Lately I've been thinking about how the different fields of science blend together... and aren't really different at all, when you get down to basics. Probably everyone knows that little saying about how biology is just applied chemistry and chemistry is just applied physics, and physics is just applied math... I say 'just' like it's easy, heh.
Brief tangent! In Astronomy yesterday, my professor said (basically) the following: "In astro, we'll look at all the forces, so we'll learn all of physics - and since chemistry is just applied physics, you'll know all of chemistry - so basically, when you're done with Astronomy you'll be so well educated you'll be obnoxious."
hehe! I thought that was pretty good.
Anyway, back to what I was talking about - lately, I've been feeling like knowledge of any one thing is worthless without knowledge of the countless other things that, in some way, apply. I don't really mean worthless in the usual sense of the word... I think that all knowledge is 'worth' something, but it's like... like playing chess without knowing the rules. It can be fun, but ultimately, you'll never gain any 'worthwhile' understanding of the game. Maybe that's a weak analogy... maybe I don't really know what I'm trying to say. I just have this overwhelming feeling that I don't know anything - and that even if I study for the rest of my life, I will never know enough.
I was talking with Pat about whether or not knowledge is finite the other day, and I said that (first of all) it depends on your definition of knowledge... If you limit knowledge to pure universe-governing rules, then yes, I think that it's possible that knowledge is finite - but on such a scale that it is rendered infinite to us, like the universe itself. (On the other hand, if you broaden your definition of knowledge, then it becomes increasingly less infinite. Like... taking derivatives. Dude. This is like calculus. WHY??)
Is this making sense? I guess what I mean to say is that while knowledge of a specific branch of science is obviously valuable, if you want to apply it to the world (like I do) you need to know so so so much more, about so many different things. Which is good, I'm looking forward to that. It's just... a little awing. And intimidating. And startling, to realize this thing that has always been true, that I suppose I knew but never really understood until now - and I don't even really understand it completely yet, I guess, I just know that it's there. I'm losing track of this idea, if I haven't already. But I still have the feather... and my brain. We'll see if it comes back with any more clarity later.

Tolstoy makes my heart want to leap out of my chest

... or at least the translation of Anna Karenina done by Richard Pevear and Larissa Volokhonsky. I feel like I haven't been doing the book justice by reading it in bits and pieces when I get a moment - it's so hard to stop at the end of each chapter. And the chapters are short, so it makes it easy to say 'oh, just one more... ok, one more, that's all... last one...' and not feel too guilty about it - but I digress.
I feel like I'm finally reading a book that is phenomenal in both plot and composition, and it makes me want to sing. Oof - I know that sounds corny, but it's like every emotion that the characters feel is so accurately portrayed, so convincingly conveyed that I am right there, and it doesn't matter if I agree with what's happening or fail to be able to imagine my own self in this situation because when I read it, I'm not myself anymore. It's like - when I normally read, the story takes place in my head. I see visuals and am often unconscious of actually reading words, and it all happens in my brain - I can feel it there. When I read this, it's like someone has pried open my ribcage, opened a little window in my heart, and placed the story inside. It's like I'm comprehending the story with this emotional brain that's in my chest - like I'm reading with my heart.

On the other hand, I've only read about 200 pages, and I hear that it gets horribly depressing. In fact, a terribly sad thing just happened, and it might be rough going for me if the rest of the book is like that. But for now, I'm completely entranced!

Tea and Music

are some of the most calming things ever - although I guess I would have to include kayaking (and badminton!!) in that list. I was sitting here making a list of the things that I need to get done before my astro lab (which is in about 3 hours), and, well, there's a lot of stuff that needs to happen. Looking at it all, I found myself sinking into that unfortunate pool of anxiety in which I find myself completely unable to work efficiently- but I put on some music, told iTunes to shuffle, and lo and behold, for once iTunes played just what I needed to hear! First a wind ensemble piece, and now it's playing Western One Step, which is another good piece. Lots of brass and general happiness : ). Oh! Now it's playing the English Folk Song Suite! How excellent is this?
Anyway, I felt compelled to write a short blog because I often find myself mulling over odder things on this blog... I guess because I don't usually need to think things out when I'm happy - you know? (oooo that lovely trumpet line is playing!) So today has been good. Full of things to do, but still really good. I had class from 8:30-4, which is a little rough, but the 5 hour chunk had a nice break in the middle (I took a nap on the science center lawn... and got a farmer's tan. yikes) and it's my structural geology class, which is really cool - so it's good. Then I took advantage of the recreational boating hours and took out a kayak - just me and the boat floating serenely in the middle of the lake, which I find to be incredibly peaceful... (also the vain part of me made sure I rolled up my sleeves...). Then I went to see Karel, who is wonderful, and then I came here to make my list of things to do... things which I should probably start now.

So, nothing terribly exciting in this post; just a recollection of the day instead : ).

Who are you?

Ok. This might be one of the odder things that I write on here, but it's been bothering me-
Sometimes when I'm talking to people, I get overwhelmed by the idea that really, I know nothing about them. Sure, I know some things they like, some things they dislike, maybe even their favorite color or the instrument that they play, perhaps their musical tastes... but who are they? Are my observations of their personalities different than their perceptions of themselves? For that matter, how do they perceive themselves? Who are they - to themselves? What is their mental image?
Sometimes when I'm talking to people and I just want to go "who are you? could you... describe yourself in a few sentences? Tell me about the things that make you who you are?", I restrain myself, because I'm not entirely certain that this is acceptable fodder for conversation (and I worry that casual friendships do not lend themselves to true exposure of 'self'). And then, there's this feeling that I get that I'm not supposed to have to ask - I should be able to figure it out for myself!! Through interactions, I should be able to see people for who they are. But what about when these interactions are limited? When they only happen via IM or in brief, possibly unique situations? What then?
Sigh.
I don't know... but I still want to.

There's this smell, and it's making me nervous.

At least, I think it's a smell. I'm not really sure. It's kind of like the edge of a memory - like remembering a dream: One moment there's this image in your head, and the next, your mental tentacles are grabbing at air. I have this memory of awful, depressing confusion, where I don't know what the heck I'm doing or where I'm going or any of that stuff - from last year. But now, I'm feeling little bits of it coming back! The first few days were absolutely wonderful. Then I started getting pressured about ... the rest of my LIFE. That's thing that I hate the most about Wellesley: the constant pressure to know WHO you're going to be and WHAT you're going to be doing. What if I don't want to DO anything? What if I really just want to be happy? What is 'living' anyway? (Like when people say 'live your life' - doesn't that mean go out and have experiences?) How can I experience anything at all if Wellesley is so concerned with getting me into a box so early in my life? Seriously, I feel ridiculously young. There is so much life left for me (so much and hardly any at all) - but why does 'living' have to be defined by societal standards? It seems like 'living' = 'getting a good job/marrying well/having a family', and yes, I suppose that I do one day want to have a family and be married (bleh. I hate that word. What I mean is I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, yes), and I would like to do good, meaningful (to me) work that I suppose would qualify as a job. But what is that? How can I know what will be meaningful without experiencing the world? I said once that what I really want to do is save the world. It's true. That's what I really, really want to do. But how? How do you go about that? I don't know. Geology? Geoscience? Environment Science? I went to my first geology class today, and when I told the professor after that I thought I might like to do Geology with an environmental focus (something new!) he was really enthusiastic and sent me to this other class (to take in conjunction) which seems really awesome, but I don't know how it's going to help me save the world.
I guess my problem is that I like instant gratification. I don't want to be sitting here feeling like I'm not doing anything, but simultaneously, anything that I could do out in the field ('out in the field') would be just as slow. I'd be doing research and comparing things and figuring out why things happen the way that they do - but I want to FIX things. I want to make them better. How do you do that? What do you study to do that? BAH!

Do you ever...

look and the mirror and go 'Oh! That's me!'? I don't mean look at a mirror and not recognize yourself for a moment (that's a potentially terrifying experience) - I mean look at yourself in the mirror and actually really mentally connect with your reflection.
I know it probably sounds really weird, but every once in a while I'll do that. Just today, in fact (which is why I'm bringing it up here), I looked in the mirror and thought that to myself. I guess it was one of those brief moments when you realize that your face has changed in some way. I think that people usually experience this right after they get a new haircut, but this, for me, today, was different.
Let me try to be coherent.

I guess the thing is that generally speaking, I don't think of myself as 'attractive'. I don't mean that to sound like I think that I'm 'UNattractive'; please don't try to reassure me - that will embarrass everyone, myself included - I just don't go around thinking that I'm the most beautiful thing walking down the street and that everyone should look at me. In fact, I don't often think about what I look like (beyond whether or not the colors I'm wearing should really be worn together), and especially not in relation to what other people think when they see me. But when I glanced at myself in the mirror today, I had this weird epiphany: my features are nice. I like them (lucky me, right!). It was more than that though - my face has changed a little bit since the last time I really looked at myself. My cheekbones are more defined, my eyes look a little bigger (I confess, I wore contacts today), and well, I just looked different. But nice.

Sometimes I write blogs and I think that I should just delete them. Who's going to read this and think it makes any sense, besides me? Speaking of people reading this, I've been pondering placing a link to it in a more public place. The thing is that I don't really know how much I want people to read it. On the other hand... why have a blog if you don't want people to read it? But on the other other hand (I'm three-handed, didn't you know?) putting it somewhere public is like putting your diary on a coffee table, whereas leaving it here is relatively unexplored cyberspace is like... like... giving your friends a bookcase of books with your diary on a shelf, and if they really want to know about you, maybe they'll look for it? That's a rather weak analogy.

Anyway, the real point of this here post was to inquire: do you ever look at yourself in the mirror and go 'Oh! That's me! Neat!' - or am I just crazy? Do you ever wonder what people think when they see your face? Obviously it's a bit like colors: Some people absolutely ADORE puce, and others detest it. Some arrangements of facial features are pleasing to some, while perhaps not-so-pleasing to others. I just want to know what people think when they see my face. Do they associate the face with the mind? Or are they two separate entities?
I imagine this would be something that is more of an issue for general relationships that transpire mostly over instant messenger (definitely more so than the telephone!).

And on the waaay other hand (oops, am I up to four now?) do I really want to know? Chances are, probably not. I'll keep to my pondering.