There's this smell, and it's making me nervous.

At least, I think it's a smell. I'm not really sure. It's kind of like the edge of a memory - like remembering a dream: One moment there's this image in your head, and the next, your mental tentacles are grabbing at air. I have this memory of awful, depressing confusion, where I don't know what the heck I'm doing or where I'm going or any of that stuff - from last year. But now, I'm feeling little bits of it coming back! The first few days were absolutely wonderful. Then I started getting pressured about ... the rest of my LIFE. That's thing that I hate the most about Wellesley: the constant pressure to know WHO you're going to be and WHAT you're going to be doing. What if I don't want to DO anything? What if I really just want to be happy? What is 'living' anyway? (Like when people say 'live your life' - doesn't that mean go out and have experiences?) How can I experience anything at all if Wellesley is so concerned with getting me into a box so early in my life? Seriously, I feel ridiculously young. There is so much life left for me (so much and hardly any at all) - but why does 'living' have to be defined by societal standards? It seems like 'living' = 'getting a good job/marrying well/having a family', and yes, I suppose that I do one day want to have a family and be married (bleh. I hate that word. What I mean is I want to find someone to spend the rest of my life with, yes), and I would like to do good, meaningful (to me) work that I suppose would qualify as a job. But what is that? How can I know what will be meaningful without experiencing the world? I said once that what I really want to do is save the world. It's true. That's what I really, really want to do. But how? How do you go about that? I don't know. Geology? Geoscience? Environment Science? I went to my first geology class today, and when I told the professor after that I thought I might like to do Geology with an environmental focus (something new!) he was really enthusiastic and sent me to this other class (to take in conjunction) which seems really awesome, but I don't know how it's going to help me save the world.
I guess my problem is that I like instant gratification. I don't want to be sitting here feeling like I'm not doing anything, but simultaneously, anything that I could do out in the field ('out in the field') would be just as slow. I'd be doing research and comparing things and figuring out why things happen the way that they do - but I want to FIX things. I want to make them better. How do you do that? What do you study to do that? BAH!